Am I crazy? Why can’t I just leave? Your not right for me…I know… but I still do love you. I am bound to these imaginary chains you placed me into. I am beautiful,classy ,smart, sexy but I chose you. I could have gone for the Derek Romans and Mr Moxams but am stuck here with you. Mama told me to be wary of men like you who will crash me like a sparrow leaving me to never mend. You vowed to love me and never leave but I guess words of men are just that…empty words.
It was one cold night. I had just lost my friend in an accident. I was down. Too scarred, vowing to die and follow her to the gates of heaven. I was a vulnerable kitten to you and that’s when your hyena ways took charge. Your smile, that coy smile, those warm and strong arms, not forgetting your calculated words lured me out of this misery. You gave me a shoulder to lean on. I was not the type that opened up to stranger but my words and tears came trickling down like a waterfall. You were my savior. The long-awaited Knight.
You were funny. My fellow Blondie. Remember you thinking that Tupac Shakur were two different people: Tupac and his cousin Shakur, and that Tupac meant ‘Two People Against Christ. Haha. Only you would come up with such absurd names. You rocked my world. I was happier than I’d ever been. Maybe Shiana had sent you as her parting gift to you. I was hooked. Call it witchcraft. I didn’t care. I’d die for you. Hell I’d cheat death just to be around you forever.
You swept me off my feet. Romance was your middle name. The dinners, the surprise dates at Villa Rosa Kibandskis, the spontaneous road trips to Rongai and back..haha.It was always a crazy moment with you. I wasnt looking for love but I found you, though hopeless we made it hopeful. My friends and family were all amazed by you. ‘ Marry this guy. He is the best guy you have ever dated. If you guys break up, it’ll be your fault’, they said. I couldn’t help but laugh. Somehow I thought they were right.
Four months and you started becoming cold. Less kisses, fewer calls, less dates. Less talking. You were distant. Whenever I visited you’d find fault in anything. I tried. God knows I tried to understand whatever was happening in your life. I stood by you no matter how badly you treated me. And when you almost lost everything, I took your hand and gave you the strength I had to pull you through but I guess that wasn’t enough. You wanted more. Better than me. I wasn’t woman enough for you. Funny thing is I couldn’t take a hint. Stupid me just stuck around, cleaning your house, making you breakfast and dinner, paying your bills; while you loitered around with all the Marys, Brits and Cathys out there.
Friday, 10/11/2016. This is when it all went dark. I remember it like it was yesterday. I struggled to get up after the huge blow you landed on my face. You were in a drunken stupor. I was shocked yet still not really surprised that you’d hit me. I had always vowed not to allow any man to hit me. I almost packed my things and left but you begged and I listened. They say Fool me once, shame on you but fool me twice, shame on me. I guess the shame was on me because it didn’t take you long to grave me with another hefty blow, the only difference was that you were sober. I’ve always believed that domestic violence was a state that one had been used to and allowed it to happen again and again. Well, if I was trying to test my theory, I guess then I was right.
It took me thirty stitches, two broken arms and two black eyes to leave you. My family still thinks it’s my fault. To them you’re an angel. I mean, how can the man who brings us presents, bought us a house, paid your siblings fees be at fault. Yes money talks. I believe that now. All I ever wanted was for you to love me, care for me and be my shoulder like you were. Where did the glittered gold go to? Rumor has it that you moved on and found yourself another victim. Guess you have a type: the vulnerable. Though I wish you the best, I hope she gives you what I couldn’t offer: stubbornness, hatred, don’t care attitude whatever negative adjective you’d think of. In any case why should you be happy? You deserve to be miserable.
I am hurt. I cried. My eyes are swollen and am afraid I can’t gather enough strength to to pull through. I have tried to forget about you. I even tried those white people things, retreats and yogas but I can’t seem to hate you like I should. Don’t get me wrong.I hate you, but deep down am trying to sugar-coat the love I will always feel for you. You were my true love.Even now as I’m writing this while my stomach turns due to the poison I just took, I wish I could see your face one more time and kiss you. I am done trying to live without you. Am dead inside. I will always love you pudding…
I guess in the end the lesson I learnt was, Love is truly stupid!
Inspired by Little Sparrow-Dolly Parton