For the longest time since I can remember, I have always wanted to control every bit of my life. When I don’t get things done my way, I become hysterical. I am one of those people who can easily get depressed and i know this yet i still let small things disturb me. So I find a piece of cloth somewhere it’s not supposed to be, what do I do? I take it to its supposed ‘ place.’ I find out that my friend’s life isn’t going as perfect as i hoped it would be, mostly their relationships, i butt in and make thing worse. I am just a perfectionist but probably a selfish one.
I was once a very good liar, probably the reason why ‘crime and law’ movies/TV shows are my favourite. I discovered this gift when I was in Campus. There’s a time I went to Mombasa by word of mouth, only to get cash sent tome and spend it on a party. I would have been a millionaire by now but ‘lies money’ doesn’t last. Don’t get it twisted though, I’m still a good liar.I can still lie myself out of any situation depending on what it is. However, I have come to discover that sometimes you can lie too much until you come to believe in your lies. A lifestyle that can ruin you completely.
I had a friend who, in his imagination, his family was filthy rich(by the way why do we refer being extremely rich as filthy? I mean poverty should be the filthy lifestyle. In this time and space, i don’t think anyone would want to be poor. Money is all we are working hard for) Anyway that’s a story for another day.So, he led on this life trying to impress everyone. He would take people(‘his so called friends) out to luxurious clubs, pay for flights that he obviously couldn’t afford. He led this life through stealing other people’s cash or involving himself in very questionable activities. It become an urge that he couldn’t stop. He lost his family, true friends and now no one can invite him to their place because they fear his kleptomaniac acts. You know when you let something control you, you become a slave to it. I know most people are controlled by the urge to become rich or famous, but then learn to balance between your soul and these material things. I am slowly learning to tell the truth and I am actually becoming good at it.
I think we all mask ourselves sometimes with these things to hide our deepest sorrows and regrets. I for example lied to hide myself from people. If you know me well, truly, I am a quirky,weird, critical person. But to those outside world, I am a care-free, happy-go-lucky, girl. I have been looking for a way to fit in with the world but I have learnt that, no matter how much you hide yourself and pretend to be someone you’re not, the world won’t accept you. You need to discover who you are and live by your own terms. Who cares about fitting in?I mean, being normal is such a bore. Don’t lose yourself in things of this world.They don’t last but your happiness does.I don’t want to die someday and go to God, yes I will go to heaven, and regret not having been me. I don;t want to come back as a cat( I hate cats… you come back as an animal you loathed…my theory) and start making music through ‘meowing’ everywhere or write stuff through my paws.
Money and fame aren’t the only things that control us. Love can also be toxic. We yearn for acceptance and attention. I don’t mean we are attention-seekers but we want to have someone see us. Someone who will love you for who you are and what you have to offer.Someone who will see your flaws and still see the beauty in them.Its not wrong yes but don’t let yourself get lost in this search. We like to blame our relationship issues on ‘daddy or mummy issues’. I know our generation has been one that has mostly been raised by either a single mum or dad. If your parents are still together count yourself lucky.
The lack of one parent can be a huge influence on your relationships.You try so hard to find acceptance from the person you are dating, but what you might not know is you sometimes try too hard to make them fill that void you have had till you push them away. However, this might just be a ‘you’ problem. It might be just a societal issue, where you are getting older and find yourself still alone so you accept anyone. It might just be an acceptance problem or hormones, who knows.
You get into something and don’t get what you needed, so you try to make that person give you what you want from them but it becomes impossible. You try to manipulate everything only to make things crumble. Other times you just want to be perfect for them. So you slowly(unconsciously) allow yourself to become a slave to a man or woman who might not be worth it. Sometimes you might have even found a good guy but you become so needy that you push them away. You re-mould yourself into someone you’re not in the effort to please this guy/girl. You let your passion and own feeling to be blinders .That intensity can drive you mad and thus you become a slave. So you need to stop! Breathe. Re-discover yourself.
No one wants to deal with someone who constantly seeks for approval and reassurance while still demanding for things. They say ‘A candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long’. So let things be. You might push something too fast that it burns out before you get to enjoy what you were intended to enjoy. Stop being a control-freak. I for one am happy with the guy I am with because i have learnt to let thing be. He might not be perfect but there is something that drew me to him and for me, that makes him perfect. I am not an easy person of course. I am way too analytical and I’ve major trust issues. But i learnt to let go and let God. If the person you are with is meant for you, nothing will come between you two. God will drive that relationship in the direction He feels is best.
You can’t control everything. So, learn to accept yourself. You are irreplaceable. You are special in whatever way you might be built. So, show the world who you really are. Don’t hold back. You don’t want to come back as some ‘after-life crisis-ed’ animal now, do you?