Just A Little Fucked Up

Who am I? Why did I have to be born? Weren’t there other sperms more focused on getting birthed other than me? What’s my purpose?

Sometimes I think I’ve got this, only for life to throw me off balance. I cry, I yell, I talk about it, nonstop actually, but I still feel empty. There’s an unstitchable hole in my heart. It’s like I have pins and needles all over my body. Sometimes I just wanna drown out all of the thoughts in my mind going on at the same time. I wish it would stop and I’ve tried, but life just sucks.

I’ve learnt to cower away from pain, from the never-ending problems, from friends whose relationships seem unmendable, from love and relationships because what’s the point? I am broken beyond repair. I wish I could erase my memories, so I could stop feeling so empty. I wish that I could stop self sabotaging but guess what… it’s hard to resist when there’s plenty of things I could do to fuck me up. I wish I can just let go but I’m feeling so stuck, so all I can do is fill up my cup and sit here alone hoping no one disrupts my ‘seemingly amazing life’.

Yes, I hate this feeling. I hate second guessing every step, I hate hiding away my face because society says I’m not pretty enough. I hate being lightskinned because society can’t stop making me feel bad for just being a bit lighter. I hate that they attack my intellect because for some reason movies depict ‘our race’ as blonde. I hate that I always have to get those baggy stuff to hide my body because God forbid you have just a little more cheese and meat and develop an adorable small tummy.

I hate that everytime I show or tell someone I care just a little too much them, they run away from me because ‘I’m too much or they suddenly realize they have better things to do with their lives.I hate that I have to try and learn the ‘society-approved’ music just because I want to fit in the ‘It’ crowd. I mean so what if I find Freya Ridings and Lennon Stella refreshing? When did listening to Billie Eilish become a symptom of depression? I hate that I always have to smile around strangers or result to unmeaningful small talk because hell would rise if I just stayed home or just had two friends to chat with everyday.

It’s a never ending war. I mean, you can never win in this spirit-crushing world. Something is always being thrown your way. I know nothing is easy but I know even Jesus couldn’t handle all the hurdles we face in this Century. I know social media came to fuck up everything but does it have to be this sucky? Yes I know sucky isn’t a word but fuck I’ll create words in my dictionary if I want to.

How many of our friends have to die of depression till the aliens above come to the rescue (yes, I believe in God but then again sometimes I doubt He is up there, otherwise people wouldn’t be suffering as much)? We are hit from all sides by the pressure from our peers, our parents have become our number one critics, the day you get an encouraging word from them is when you’re offering them a cheque to cover their expenses, the government keeps pinning us down with taxes, shitty laws, fucked up employment systems and a list of inhumane stuff, our dearest friends are our worst enemies and the person you choose to share your life with takes away any little energy and peace you have left.

I am just tired of soaking up my pillow with tears. I am tired of burying friends and family because my best friend or ex couldn’t take it and decided to end the pain. I am tired of being told that ‘I am a millenial, the weak generation’…I mean I live in a Century where a country can create a virus and we all just take it (we don’t wage a war on them or anything). I am from a generation where someone can say the most hurtful things behind a screen and ghosting is a trendy thing.

Its hard and no matter how much you keep talking and googling treatments the hurt doesn’t stop. It doesn’t even help that unlike most first-world countries, majority of us can’t afford therapy or hypnosis. I wish there’s a way we could just erase the pain and reboot our systems but as fate would have it, these memories and heart aches are here to stay.

That said though, one might ask, what’s the point of this post? Well… I just needed to put all this out there and ask any psychiatrist or pro psychologist to come to our rescue. We need a platform(free, therapy costs more than a kidney and we need ours as an investment for the dark days) where we can share stuff and get non-generic responses. I know Befrienders Kenya exists but we need an online platform, something anonymous that most of us if not all, can get to speak their minds and get help without judgment.

So pass along this message and help me get to the experts who can create such a space to help end this war on depression.

Yours Faithfully,

A very concerned and clearly fucked up millenial.

Caught Up in the Quarter-Life Crisis

It’s been three months since I turned 25 and it’s been a roller coaster of drama, unexpected changes, 91st Oscars’ award-winning realizations, and world-ending frustrations.

I can’t stress enough how the thought of being 25 gave me some cold shivers. It’s practically the age I used to think would be the time I got married, had about three little kids, had like a convoy of vehicles to my name and other very ambitious and ‘extra’ stuff.

I mean it’s practically three years too old to dress up like a hobo/hipster and make fun of your exes (just ask Taylor Swift). You’re also probably too old to be happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time.
 It’s the time when society is all up in your face with expectations, and your family keeps hiring a private eye to monitor your movements and especially your love life(my mum would totally do that). They expect you to achieve so much and give them significant signs of having a bright future, and when you don’t, they kick you to the curb.

 

I know 25 is two decades closer to the fifth floor, but that is not my concern. When my dad was 25, he was living in a single room eating his food from the cylindrical, plastic CD covers. When my aunt was 25, she was trying to figure out if she would get married to that rich old man or the poor hustler who is now the CS for Industrialization. When my grandparents were 25, they had a house full of babies, five spawns of menace and regret, and when my great grandpa was 25, I’m sure he was already a grandpa. So, if they didn’t have their lives sorted out, then why am I expected to have my life in place?

I am still learning to get by, still learning to navigate through this confusing world, still making my way up those stairs in my career, still falling and rising like a Phoenix. I am at the prime of my life, and instead of nagging me and complaining about how chaotic my life can be, it’s time we all embrace the truth and acknowledge that being 25 is not that different now.

So, if you are 25, or turning 25,  It is ok to not have a potential boyfriend who looks like he will propose, because let’s face it, times have changed and almost 50% of guys have two or three baby mama now. Some are still in the closet, others have no clue about what they want in life, and 10% of potentials are all taken. It’s a cruel world, I know. But, have you thought about the fact that maybe your man isn’t in the same country as you right now? There are varieties of fish in the sea, but if you fixate on what you think is the best for you, then you will tumble. And anyway, being single is so freeing, ask me!

If you are 25 or turning 25, it is also okay to be married and have a baby. Your single friends would have judged you (and some did judge) for doing these things when you were 22 because you were so young or whatever, but you are now in the safe zone at 25. I mean, this world will never be content with your decisions. It’s up to you to be okay with you and don’t give a hoot about what people say.

If you are 25 or turning 25: It is okay to go out and dance till your clothes fall off like David’s. I know they expect you to be done with that life, but who says you can’t just have a fun night and relieve your day-day stresses? Get tanked in the late afternoon and have a fantastic time with your friends because life is short.

It might also be a challenge to find people to do drugs with you (if most of your friends are hitched and you are only left with negative Nancy), so find other stuff to do. Learn to make cocktails, watch a movie, look for ways to invest your savings, network, ask your friends out for a dinner date, dance in your socks and tee, and be in bed by 9 p.m. It is OK to be in bed at 9 p.m. 25 is young, but you should never apologize for sleep.

If you are 25 or turning 25, It’s okay to just have a job and not a career. Saving for a house may not be plausible given that you still lack experience, but paying your own bills is something you can do now. Find a job at a company that doesn’t underpay you the way yours did at 22. You are finding your way remember, so don’t compare yourself to your friend who is making headlines, flying from city to city and rubbing shoulders with the who and who of your country. Climb your stairs with grace. Rome wasn’t built in a day!

And on that note: It is also okay if you are not doing what you love. Passion takes time. You, however, need to find someone or a place that will let you do it for free on the weekend.

And lastly: I have no right to give advice, I only know how it feels to lose your way. I’m not saying things will get better, because I have no idea if they will. I, however, believe in the art of giving your best at what you do. If you are in love, love like you will die the next minute, if your career is your husband or wife fight till you achieve all your goals. If you want to study, there is still time; if you’re going to run for the Senate, I can’t remember what age you are supposed to be to run, but heck, who says you can’t be the next Barack Obama?

Just trust in the process. Life is about falling down and getting up. Mistakes build you. Don’t expect immediate results; don’t worry about pleasing everyone; don’t resent others’ successes and don’t let others influence your emotions! Life is all about being crazy, silly, happy, sad, confused, and being adventurous!

So breathe baby breathe! You are just starting the chapters of your life!

I will leave with Queen Ariana’s song, 7 rings…be, is it motivated? Just be happy!

Mask Off

For the longest time since I can remember, I have always wanted to control every bit of my life.  When I don’t get things done my way, I become hysterical. I am one of those people who can easily get depressed and i know this yet i still let small things disturb me. So I find a piece of cloth somewhere it’s not supposed to be, what do I do? I take it to its supposed ‘ place.’ I find out that my friend’s life isn’t going as perfect as i hoped it would be, mostly their relationships, i butt in and make thing worse. I am just a perfectionist but probably a selfish one.

I was once a very good liar, probably the reason why ‘crime and law’ movies/TV shows are my favourite. I discovered this gift when I was in Campus. There’s a time I went to Mombasa by word of mouth, only to get cash sent tome and spend it on a party. I would have been a millionaire by now but ‘lies money’ doesn’t last. Don’t get it twisted though, I’m still a good liar.I can  still lie myself out of any situation depending on what it is. However,  I have come to discover that sometimes you can lie too much until you come to believe in your lies. A lifestyle that can ruin you completely.

I had a friend who, in his imagination, his family was filthy rich(by the way why do we refer being extremely rich as filthy? I mean poverty should be the filthy lifestyle. In this time and space, i don’t think anyone would want to be poor. Money is all we are working hard for) Anyway that’s a story for another day.So, he led on this life trying to impress everyone. He would take people(‘his so called friends) out to luxurious clubs, pay for flights that he obviously couldn’t afford. He led this life through stealing other people’s cash or involving himself in very questionable activities. It become an urge that he couldn’t stop. He lost his family, true friends and now no one can invite him to their place because they fear his kleptomaniac acts. You know when you let something control you, you become a slave to it. I know most people are controlled by the urge to become rich or famous, but then learn to balance between your soul and these material things. I am slowly learning to tell the truth and I am actually becoming good at it.

I think we all mask ourselves  sometimes with these things to hide our deepest sorrows and regrets. I for example lied to hide myself from people. If you know me well, truly, I am a quirky,weird, critical person. But to those outside world, I am a care-free, happy-go-lucky, girl. I have been looking for a way to fit in with the world but I have learnt that, no matter how much you hide yourself and pretend to be someone you’re not, the world won’t accept you. You need to discover who you are and live by your own terms. Who cares about fitting in?I mean, being normal is such a bore. Don’t lose yourself in things of this world.They don’t last but your happiness does.I don’t want to die someday and go to God, yes I will go to heaven, and regret not having been me. I don;t want to come back as a cat( I hate cats… you come back as an animal you loathed…my theory) and start making music through ‘meowing’ everywhere or write stuff through my paws.

Money and fame aren’t the only things that control us. Love can also be toxic. We yearn for acceptance and attention. I don’t mean we are attention-seekers but we want to have someone see us. Someone who will love you for who you are and what you have to offer.Someone who will see your flaws and still see the beauty in them.Its not wrong yes but don’t let yourself get lost in this search. We like to blame our relationship issues on ‘daddy or mummy issues’. I know our generation has been one that has mostly been raised by either a single mum or dad. If your parents are still together count yourself lucky.

The lack of one parent can be a huge influence on your relationships.You try so hard to find acceptance from the person you are dating, but what you might not know is you sometimes try too hard to make them fill that void you have had till you push them away. However, this might just be a ‘you’ problem. It might be just a societal issue, where you are getting older and find yourself still alone so you accept anyone. It might just be an acceptance problem or hormones, who knows.

You get into something and don’t get what you needed, so you try to make that person give you what you want from them but it becomes impossible. You try to manipulate everything only to make things crumble. Other times you just want to be perfect for them. So you slowly(unconsciously) allow yourself to become a slave to a man or woman who might not be worth it. Sometimes you might have even found a good guy but you become so needy that you push them away. You re-mould yourself into someone you’re not in the effort to please this guy/girl. You let your passion and own feeling to be blinders  .That intensity can drive you mad and thus you become a slave. So you need to stop! Breathe. Re-discover yourself.

No one wants to deal with someone who constantly seeks for approval and reassurance while still demanding for things. They say ‘A candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long’. So let things be. You might push something too fast that it burns out before you get to enjoy what you were intended to enjoy. Stop being a control-freak. I for one am happy with the guy I am with because i have learnt to let thing be. He might not be perfect but there is something that drew me to him and for me, that makes him perfect.  I  am not an easy person of course. I am way too analytical and I’ve major trust issues. But i learnt to let go and let God. If the person you are with is meant for you, nothing will come between you two. God will drive that relationship in the direction He feels is best.

You can’t control everything. So, learn to accept yourself. You are irreplaceable. You are special in whatever way you might be built. So, show the world who you really are. Don’t hold back. You don’t want to come back as some ‘after-life crisis-ed’ animal now, do you?